Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
