apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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