I will die if light touches me.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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