I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
