my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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