Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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