she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
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He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
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I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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