Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
