Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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