He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
