If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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