these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
