Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
