Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
