I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize