I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
