life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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