i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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