Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
