Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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