tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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