I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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