I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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