How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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