I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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