I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
