You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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