i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
