So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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