I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
