By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
