My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
