In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
