yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
