I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
