I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
