Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
