Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
