At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
