i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize