Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
