Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
