life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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