You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
