hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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