it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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