So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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