Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize