Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
