I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
