this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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