This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
