I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Randomize
