Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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