i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
