I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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