I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
