My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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