Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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