Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
