Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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