Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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